…when the Negaverse is draining you.

I never utilize my website. Sometimes, I forget it’s here. There are so many social media platforms screaming at me everyday. But I was here when AOL came on a disk, ICQ was dominating instant messenger; I had an angelfire website (Sailor Moon fanfic!) , a DeviantArt account. A Live Journal. But still, these felt so different. I didn’t feel like I was selling myself, vying for the love from an Algorithmic Overlord. I didn’t make content. I just expressed myself.

These spaces felt alive. Our personal websites, filled with the niche things we loved, were a space to be creative. I went home everyday and looked forward to building something. It didn’t matter if 0 people or 100 saw it. Maybe it was the naivety of childhood, backpainted with nostalgia. But I miss when I didn’t worry about undersharing, or oversharing, or posting at the right time, or the wrong time, or showcasing my best self, even on my worst days. I know my career requires a level of visibility. I love sharing my art with people. But I’m exhausted. What a privileged problem to have, compared to so much of the world.

Sailor Moon’s first nemesis was Metalia. She used her men for various schemes to drain energy from the human race, to make herself strong and to rule the world. I think when I take my phone out of my pocket, and I scroll; it has to feel exactly like when the negaverse is draining you.

I miss writing, and painting, and drawing, and dreaming for myself. I miss myself, before I became empty. I miss seeing other people express themselves, before a ChatBot arrived and asked if you needed help formulating a thought or writing a sentence. Are you feeling this too?

I refuse to live like this.